Reason #567 that I’m out about being trans

[bodlon]

People talk a lot, in the circles in which I work and socialize and write, about why diversity in media is important. While anybody can identify with any given character because of a motive or belief or just being appealing in some other way, it's important for us to be able to see people like ourselves sometimes. It's said a lot, but it's important to keep saying that this can be a thousand times more important (and more complex) for people who belong to a group that's disenfranchised or holds minority status.

People of color, women, LGBTQ people, people who practice uncommon religions, etc. all get the short end of the stick in terms of mainstream stories being about them. We're minor characters a lot, or get killed first, or bad guys, or depicted in ridiculous ways, or absent.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't feel that void what this is like, and how it changes the way we choose who we identify with in books or on screen. Our points of entry can be a little weird.

Some media, for me, has no point of entry. The last two films I've watched, Cowboys and Aliens and Skyline were both stories I didn't connect to much. Ignoring entirely what anyone might have to say about the quality of either piece (even my own opinions are irrelevant here), my personal investment wasn't tied to any of the characters feeling like me. If I had anything in common with the people on screen, it felt minimal compared with the differences I experienced.

I may have been in it for the experience, but neither of these stories was a mirror, and as a viewer (and reader, and game player, and listener of song), I want to connect with the things I'm engaging.

Which brings me to why I'm an out transgender man, and why that's important to me when I discuss stories I like.

Today, I was with a couple of people I know and like, when one of their phones rang. The ring tone was a song from Scott Pilgrim vs The World. There was much excitement and happy chat about this because it's a fun film. All three of us liked it. At one point in the conversation I said something about feeling conflicted about it coming out of the multiplex because I left feeling awkward which characters I identified with most strongly.

"Why? Are you one of the evil ex-boyfriends?"

And because I'm not shy about who I am -- and, in fact, feel like it's really important to be honest and out so that people can be aware that they know a transgender person -- I was like, "Well, it's weird because I'm transgender. I was Ramona for years before I transitioned, and now I'm just a guy who aspires to be Wallace when he grows up."

I'm dead certain this was new information for at least one person there. There wasn't really much time to debrief on it -- and really, it's not like it's a disease or a felony, it just is -- but it was one of those supremely awkward moments of my life where honesty and stories collide. Scott Pilgrim vs The World speaks to my aesthetic on all kinds of levels. It screams out a lot of the things I feel about wanting to be loved and amazing and happy.

In my perfect world, I'd be a lot more like Wallace. The guy has himself figured out and he's not afraid to act on his desires. Granted, my tastes run a little broader, but there's a lot to like about the guy. Of all the people I could want to be when I grow up, he's not a bad candidate.

But wow, what an odd film to see when you've been both of those people. A lot of my heart is bound up in both of these characters, and I left the theater aching because of it. Reading the parts of the comic I've read -- I'm not done with it, and actually probably ought to go out and buy the whole thing -- makes me feel the same way.

It's actually kind of embarrassing to talk about. Being trans means being defensive a lot of the time, trying to protect the place where I'm standing and trying to claw my way to a place of security and safety. Even so, no one does 26 years trying to live one way without having life experiences. I might get angry when someone tries to point to those without me giving the okay ahead of time, but I'm allowed to own the ones that brought me joy. I can cup them and enjoy their light.

Likewise, I haven't spent the last five years under a rock or without aspirations either. The man I am, that I've settled into gladly after trying to be someone else just as valid, is equally real. There are things about him that resonate in my chest like massive bells.

If I wasn't me, with all of the things that make me attached, I wouldn't have this experience. This whole thing wouldn't be an awkward, beautiful, terrible touchstone for me. It's not the only story I've looked at and identified in ways that were uncomfortable or hard to talk about, but it's definitely the one that does it most acutely.

It's two strange points of entry, two lives I've led, and it's impossible to discuss without that openness. I can't speak my truths without it. It's scary and awkward, but you know what? I will trade a lot of safety for the ability to breathe and connect with other human beings.

(Images of Ramona and Wallace originally found here and here.)

This post has been mirrored from Christian A. Young's Dimlight Archive. To see it in its original format, visit dimlightarchive.com

Comments

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Well said. Thank you for sharing.

I am reminded of the Jokka characters by haikujaguar, who can Turn from one sex to another at either or both of two puberties.