Something is squeezing my skull

[bodlon]

Apologies to Morrissey, but this week is already feeling like one of Those Weeks.

Things are pretty tight, and if I'm a dollar off, stuff doesn't happen in the right order or at all. Not rocket science, but definitely stressful in terms of making sure that things that need to work continue working, etc. It would have been nice if this wasn't happening when other things I've been trying to juggle are refusing to juggle as nicely as I'd like, or if all of this wasn't happening in the same week as reaching another milestone in the "living with an ageing parent" part of my life.

I keep reminding myself that I signed up for this, but it's hard when she creates a physical boundary for me by smoking in the house. Thirty minutes downstairs last night made me feel sick much of the evening, and my sinuses are making my skull a truly unpleasant place to live today. I'm finally to the point where I've as much as told her that her smoking inside makes it pointless for us to share a building, and if she doesn't quit -- or at least meet me in the middle by using a patch or electric cigarette when it's too cold for her to do that -- I may as well see if the bank will take a deed in lieu of foreclosure and pack her off into assisted living because I physically cannot do what she needs me to do in that environment. Which is absolutely true. And exhausting.

So, you know, the usual.

The writing has been a mixed bag. I'm really pleased overall with the work I've done so far this year -- he says, 23 days in -- but am feeling a lot of anxiety while I try and get some of the outlining together for something I want to get started this weekend. This isn't an unusual state of affairs. As I joked with my roommate this weekend: "It's not like this should be so difficult! It's not like I have to, oh, make everything up or anything! Oh wait." The main source of stress is that I've struggled a fair bit with longer fiction of late, and it's easy to latch on to those stumbles as reasons to be afraid of trying again.

Mostly, I am countering this by a) pointing myself to my Alice novella and reminding myself that I did that while also doing my last semester of college, and b) reminding myself that not trying is an automatic failure, and if I am set on failing, wouldn't I rather at least fail in interesting ways?

So that's fun when it's fun.

Basically, I'm spending a lot of time right today wishing for just the right flavors of feeling secure and cared for, while knowing that what I really need is to to a) make these things for myself, b) be flexible, and c) actually accept what others offer me, even when it's scary or I feel like a burden. I'm extraordinarily lucky in that regard because have friends who are kind, amazing people who occasionally reassure me that if everything really does come apart I can build a yurt in their yards and live as their full-time cabana boy.

Not that this is the actual plan, mind you, but it's nice to have a fall-back. It's a nice change from putting myself in a position where I feel I'm not allowed to fail, ever, and that doing so is literally the end of the world.

And now, links:

- I could stop listening to this weird, major key version of R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion," but I'm not sure I want to just yet.

- Seanan McGuire talks about women in cover art, including some really negative reactions to the cover for Discount Armageddon (which I admit I haven't read yet because I was too busy mainlining the Toby books last year).

- Jane Bond, and her empowered, self-confident Bond Boys! I confess, I'd sort of love for this to be a real thing if someone would execute it with rigor and seriousness instead of going ha-ha, nudge-wink, isn't it cheeky comedy. Aggressive subversion of the male gaze is maybe a favorite thing for me right now.

- Oh look. Flaming goat cheese in Norway.

- Roommates with disabilities struggle to keep the power on. From the article: "Tipton-based Co-Mo Electric Cooperative shut off their power Tuesday morning, even though that meant the loss of heat and medical equipment." This strikes me as missing the point entirely of having a cooperative instead of a hypothetical evil corporate energy overlord. At least the hypothetical overlord is bound by law not to let people freeze.

- From New York magazine, Why You Truly Never Leave High School.

And now, more Aleve, water, and grumping.

This post has been mirrored from Christian A. Young's Dimlight Archive. To see it in its original format, visit dimlightarchive.com